Ingenting?

Eg rømte i dag, frå heile jobben. Ikkje før sjefane også var gått, altså, men likevel. Er for lengst inni nedtellingsmodus, kjenner eg. Fire veker igjen no...

Gjekk rett på Krishna Cuisine. Sat i andre etasje og kikka ned på det travle krysset (så mange folk det er ute og går allereie i to-tre-tida! Så mykje for åtte-til-fem-livet...) medan eg åt kvasiindisk veggismat. Gyldne fargar og gyldne smakar, søt krishnakar frå Stavanger i kassa. Lenge sidan eg har vore der no, kjente at det var heilt rett å rømma inn i varmen.

Og eg veit ikkje heilt kva det var som gjorde det, men plutseleg dukka denne songen opp i toppen:

you owe me nothing in return

i'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance
if you want it
i will give you encouragment to choose the path you want
if you need it
you can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freak outs
and i'll hold it
you can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life
and i won't judge it.
and there are no strings attached to it

you owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
you owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return

you can ask for space for yourself and only yourself
and I'll grant it
you can ask for freedom as well or time to travel
and you'll have it
you can ask to live by yourself or love someone else
and i'll support it
you can ask for anything you want, anything at all
and i'll understand it
and there are no strings attached to it

you owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
you owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return

i bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe
will eventually drop
i bet you're wondering when my conditional police
will force you to cough up
i bet you're wondering how far you have now danced
your way back into debt
this is the only kind of love, as I understand it,
that there really is

you can express your deepest of truths, even if it means i'll lose you
and i'll hear it
you can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss,
i'll empathize with
you can say that you'll have to skip town to chase your passion
and i'll hear it
you can even hit rock bottom, have a mid-life crisis
and i'll hold it
and there are no strings attached

you owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
you owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return

you owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
you owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return

Vel heime måtte eg sjølvsagt setja han på, og no har Alanis sunge seg gjennom si einaste forståing av kjærleik eit par gonger. Og eg lurar: er det eigentleg kjærleik, dette? Eller er det noko anna, meir sjølvutslettande? Går det an å elska utan å ønska noko tilbake? Sånn eigentleg? Og er det bra om det går an?

Huskar eg tenkte det same då plata kom ut, og eg kjøpte ho og lytta til ho siste langopphaldet i USA. På rømmen også då. Vikla inn i andre erfaringar enn Alanis sine. Og bare delvis sikker på at ho hadde rett. Kanskje ikkje det eigong. Eg trur ho tek feil. Trur ikkje den typen unconditional love finst. Ikkje sånn. I alle fall ikkje for meg. Støtte gjennom midtlivskriser, anger og redsle - ok! Men ikkje på vegen over til ein annan, til å springa etter begjæret. Slik sjølvutsletting trur eg ikkje er bra. Faktisk.

Det er alltid strings attached i eit forhold! Er ikkje det heile vitsen?

- men eg likar no songen, lell...